Is It an Obsession?

Those who know me know how much I love bacon. Well, to be honest, it’s all things pork. Bacon is… IT’S FUCKING BACON! I want you to listen very carefully: PIG is magical. That’s right, this pork-eating JEW said it—magical! It is the ONLY animal that can turn its belly into BACON! Fight me!

What it all braises down to is cured, smoked pork belly, better known as thank you, sir, may I please have another? It invokes something primal—think Tim the Toolman grunt (you’re doing it, aren’t you?). That perfect ratio of meat to fat, that wave of pork juice mixed with salt and smoke—yeah, it’s pornographic, isn’t it?

More Bacon? Always.

Think about this: When was the last time you walked away from a meal and said, “Man, I wish there was less bacon in that dish. Why even have the bacon?” Never, right? But I betcha I can mention one word, and you immediately think it needs bacon. Ready?

Show me… Brussels (and there you went—FUCK, BACON).

Okay, how about this? Which is better: meatloaf or bacon-wrapped meatloaf?

I know some of you are about to say you don’t like meatloaf—it’s a texture thing! Please!!! Bacon fixes texture issues! Bacon fixes EVERYTHING!

But What About…?

Listen, I get it. If you practice a religion that prohibits eating pork, I respect that. If Wilbury was a pet, I get it (but I still don’t understand keeping bacon as a pet).

Side note: ADHD moment—piglets are bacon bits. Not cute! Just facts!

I also get it if your doctor tells you to cut back or lay off the stuff. But what I don’t get? The bastardization of bacon!

Turkey bacon? HARD PASS. That’s cured thigh meat, not bacon. Tofurky bacon? GTFOH. Plant-based bacon?Nah, I made Eggcon—cured eggplant that tastes like bacon. Still NOT BACON.

Name One Meal That Shouldn’t Have Bacon. I’ll Wait.

You can’t.

Let me paint a picture for you: Take some really nice bread and toast it. Spread a layer of fresh-made mayo (not that jarred crap). Let’s get expensive—our fantasy deserves it. Then, take some grilled romaine, seasoned with sea salt and cracked black pepper. Grab fresh garden tomatoes—the kind where the water beads on the ruby red skin. You slice them perfectly with a sharp chef’s knife, layer them onto the bread, and drizzle olive oil on top. The other slice of bread? That gets PTSE sauce (don’t ask, just go with it). You close that sandwich up, slice it in half, and have your way with it.

Did you catch what I left out?

The one thing that makes this FOOD PORN.

DID YOU SAY BACON?!?

Exactly.

Bacon: The Duct Tape of the Food World

Bacon fixes everything. Don’t like the texture of scallops? Bacon-wrap those fuckers and charge ten bucks more! Bacon-wrapped hot dogs. Bacon-wrapped grilled cheese. Bacon-wrapped clam chowder fritters.

Only bacon has that deep umami flavor we long for. It’s a hug from back when days seemed easier.

The Bacon Face

All said and done, I am a Gen X-er. That viral video of the little kid tasting bacon for the first time? That kid’s face encapsulates EVERYTHING.

That, my friends, is The Bacon Face.