The Power of Knowing: Turning Struggles into Strength
Life is funny. You always hear these stories that people learn later in their lives. You have to wonder how they didn't know that, like didn't they have a feeling? When I heard stories like that, I always wondered, "How did they not know!!" Then, it happened not once, not twice, and probably will never stop. In my book, I mentioned that I have known of ten people who completed suicide, two of those people being my great-grandmother and great-uncle. I found out that truth when my Ex-father-in-law completed his life in 2003. For thirty-three years, I heard that my Uncle saved people during some subway accident, only to learn that he took his life by jumping in front of one. In my twenties, when I was going to college, I found out that I was diagnosed with dyslexia. When I was being tested as an adult, the therapist told me he knew exactly what was wrong with me.
Let me dive a little deeper for you. I was given puzzle pieces to put together, and they gradually became more arduous, and I was being timed. It was one of the last puzzles, with many pieces, no outline, and just wood tone. I had no reference point either. I had one piece in my hand and couldn't figure out what was before me. The doctor looked at me and said, "I know what your issue is!" I was like, "Okay, want to let me know!!!" He explained, "The harder something is, the easier it is for you!" I was like, "Whatcha you talking about, Willis?" Basically, Einstein's theory of relativity is easier for me to understand than 2+2=4. Once it was determined I had dyslexia, I started this CSI investigation into "How come I didn't t know this???" I went to my pediatrician and asked him; I got, "I-I did not want you to use that as a crutch!" Let's just say what came out of my mouth was superlative four-letter words. At first, I was angry. I kept telling myself, "What would have been different for me growing up knowing I had this? Would my relationship with my father be different knowing that?
Now, I just found out that I was diagnosed with adult ADHD. A lot of you may say, DUH, we all knew that. I felt something was wrong, but I didn't know exactly what. I don't have all the symptoms of ADHD, but the ones I do have, let's just say A+++. Last year, I was evaluated, and the therapist never got back to me. I moved on with my life, and this past Friday, my new therapist told me that I was diagnosed. Again, I can sit here and play the victim, but what has happened can never be changed. I cannot let my past dedicate my present or my future. The only change I can make for my future is to focus on my present.
Yes, it sucks that I didn't know what I know now. I have lived 53 years of my life and have a choice to make. I could either wallow in my shit and play the woe is me game or be grateful. Honestly, I see this as true human grit and spirit. I went through all that schooling and did all of these things without knowing. I overcame my adversity without knowing I had it. Now that I have been diagnosed, my new journey of healing can begin. My thoughts are about what I now can accomplish with having the tools to become who I was to become.
I look forward to what is in store for me. I will no longer think, "How much is in my tank," but "I cannot wait to see" what I can accomplish. Sitting here thinking about how to end this, I think about martial arts and what the most challenging belt to achieve is. I believe it is the white belt. The most intense battle is choosing to start that martial art form. Mental health, the most challenging aspect, is actually saying you need help and getting it.
Recently, I talked to a friend who has been going through a lot. I said, "What if you knew you would end your journey on X date? How would you live your life?" They thought and said, "I would stop drinking!" That got me to think, 'Why wait until you know when you will die? Why not think tomorrow is your last? Think about being the best version of yourself that you can be!" Exploring your emotions and knowing that you can manage them is extremely powerful. What is powerless, having your emotions control you? We must teach ourselves the correct positive coping mechanisms to get through life. Life is already hard, so why do you want to throw more fuel on that fire? Take back your power to manage your emotions and watch what YOU can achieve. #justonelife
