Embracing Imperfection: A Culinary Journey of Self-Discovery

I have never been one who, when you tell me I am no good at X, you should give up. Nope, what I am great at is self-sabotage. Do you think it gets to me if someone says, "Hey, I didn't like the flavor profile of the collards!" Why should I get upset? That person may be used to how they grew up eating them, which is fair. They may flat-out hate how I cooked them, which is also okay. Let me fuck the dish up, and then it is game on. That is when it all comes out. That voice in your mind comes forward with their proper uptight English accent and says, "Oh, that was a rookie mistake! Didn't I tell you that that would happen if you do it this way?" The best is when you are in the middle of that conversation; you have an order of Self Doubt come in; I meant ten orders of Self Doubt. You start questioning, "What the hell were you thinking? Wait, were you thinking?" You begin to think, "How many times have you made this, and now you fuck it up!" 

I recently started baking again, using my starter, Obi-Wan Ke Dough Bi. He is now a beast, and the flavor profile of that sour is so forward. I decided to make two different recipes. One recipe used just Obi, and the other was a Levain. I also had the third dough recipe for English muffins. I was doing the podcast and came home. I should have cooked the dough on Thursday, but I did not. The following day, I started. I started cooking the English muffins, and I went too quickly; I didn't let the pan heat up first to where I thought it needed to be; why?

Maybe I subconsciously wanted to give me a shitty day; who knows. When I did the first batch, and they didn't get the rise I wanted to, I just kept going. I tried one and was like, WTF. The sourness, that texture, it was euphoric. It could have been better than what Meg Ryan's character, Sally, had at the deli. It was not that good; well, almost! The next batch is perfect. I am not saying I was perfect at the second batch; the second batch when I cooked them was perfect. What happened? Why didn't I start "beating"  myself up? Simple, I was not doing brain surgery, and no one died at the end of the cooking process; that's a good thing. Here is the real reason - Someone once told me, "COOK THE BREAD." The other thing I am trying to train my brain to remember - is that you are human, and we all make mistakes. The only perfect thing is your image of g-d. Every bread is different, even if the recipe is the same. Let me pause here and ask a question. Do you want to know the truth about why some chefs don't get into baking and pastry? If you do, you must choose the red or blue pill. If you take the red pill, you stay in Wonderland, and I will show you how deep the rabbit hole goes. If you take the blue pill, the story ends, and you wake up in bed and believe whatever you want.

Oh, I see. You took the red pill and want to tumble down the rabbit hole. Most savory chefs do not have the bandwidth to bake. In the above statement, every bread or bake is different. There truly is no constant in baking. "What do you mean?" you may ask. There are hundreds upon hundreds of recipes for bread. How could you say that? Remember the rabbit hole; it is time to open your eyes to the why! When it comes to baking, things are alive. Not the little weevils in the flour, nope. I am talking about the yeast we use to make things rise and give structure and texture. Let us not forget about the water and the minerals in the water. What about the temperature of the water when one cooks? Then there are all those cooking techniques that you have to learn and all those damn ratios. Wait, what about remembering what gets baking soda and baking powder? What about all those ratios you must know and all that math you must do? You then have to remember to steam, egg wash, or straight bake. You also have to know about the protein within the flour, what each one does, how to mix their ratios, and so on. The long and the short of it all: Most savory chefs do not want to do the math or the science involved to learn to become a great baker or pastry chef. I can save the end dish if I mess up and put too much salt into a savory recipe. When you add too much salt to a baking recipe, start over.  

I went to culinary school a long time ago—much, much, long ago! I went to school thinking, "I wanted to become a great chef!" I have questioned myself every day since then, and no, I didn't. I love my career! I then asked, "What makes a chef great?" I thought it was that a chef has to master the craft, and to do so is to learn both savory and sweet. I poured straight into the mixing bowl and absorbed all that I could. 

Today, I am who I am supposed to become and realize certain things. I have learned this with the help of my daughter, who has no idea how much she has helped us since she came into our lives. Teaching her how to ride a bike, ride healies, ride roller skates, and learn to crawl, walk or run, I have always said, "It takes practice, it takes patience, and you never give up!" Why is it, then, when we fuck up a dish or whatever, we automatically go into "You dumbass, what the fuck were you thinking mode!" So, how do we stop Agent Smith from destroying Sion? Remember, it's cooking, and you are forever the student. You are the master of nothing. You are only a guide, and the ingredients and the cooking techniques you use let you master the dish you are preparing. Ultimately, if you cook craveable food, respect the process, and cook passionately for YOUR food, you have created YOUR masterpiece.

Do not let anyone tell you you can't make desserts or bake. Keep learning, keep pushing. I once told Amaury Guichon, "Thank you for what you do?" He looked at me and asked if I was a pastry chef, and I answered with this, "No, I am more savory, but what you do pushes me to learn more about the sweet side of food because it makes you a better chef. You dial in so you can create taste-bud-blowing experiences."

Never stop being a student; learn and keep learning all you can. Stop those voices in your head. Remember, things happen when you attempt to learn and perfect your craft. Those things are supposed to happen because you are forever the student...